Dear Diary 2020 Edition,
In โ๏ธ January, ๐ฅ Australia caught on fire. I donโt even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran. We might actually still be almost at war with them ๐ค. I donโt know, because ๐ฉ Jen Aniston and ๐จ๐ป Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards ๐ show and everyone flipped out ๐ฒ, but then there was this thing happening in ๐ฆ China, then ๐ Prince Harry and Megan โ๐ผ peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial ๐ฉโโ๏ธ, and then CHINA virus ๐ฆ showed up in the US โ๏ธโofficially,โ but then ๐ Kobe died ๐ญand UK peaced out of the European Union.
In February, the president was acquitted and the ๐ฉ๐ผโ๐ผSpeaker of the House took -Ten. Whole. Years.- to rip up a speech, but then the๐จโ๐ฌ ๐WHO decided to give this virus a name, COVID-19, which confused ๐คsome really important people ๐ in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty ๐จ๐ปโโ๏ธ, and Americans started asking if Corona beer ๐บ was safe to drink ๐คฆ๐ปโโ๏ธ, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor ๐จโโ๏ธ who just knew the ๐คflu killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.
In March, stuff hit the fan ๐ฟ. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust ๐ฅ, but then Italy shut its whole country down ๐ท, and then COVID Not-1-through-18 officially became what everyone already realized, a ๐ฑ pandemic, and then a nationwide state of emergency ๐ was declared in US, but it didnโt really change anything, so everyone was still confused or thought it was still just a flu ๐๐ปโโ๏ธ, but then COVID Not-18 was like, "Yaโll not taking me seriously? ๐ก Iโm gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves!" - and totally infected Tom Hanks๐จ๐ป, and also said, "Yโall close all of the schools so yโall can ๐๐ผ appreciate teachers ๐ฉโ๐ซ for once (because you canโt teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen๐คฆ๐ปโโ๏ธ)," and "Close down all of the salons so you canโt get your ๐โโ๏ธ hair or your nails done ๐
." Then everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The ๐ DOW took a dive on itself, and most of us still donโt understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing ๐ค. We were then all introduced to ๐
Tiger King and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year ๐๐ผ, Carol totally killed her husband โฐ๏ธ ..... whacked him! And then Netflix was like, "Youโre welcome," and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now.
In ๐ง April, Bernie finally busted โ๐ผ himself out of the presidential race ๐, but then NYC ๐ฝ became the set of The Walking Dead ๐ and we learned that no one has face masks ๐ท, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID, and by then our ๐ฆ outgrowth was showing, so there was a shortage on ๐ฆ box hair dye and all of our hairdressers were like, ๐ฑ "NO DON'T DO IT!!!" But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life โฆ or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released ๐ฅ videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, itโs only Aprilโฆ.
In ๐ May, the biblical end times kicked off, with historical locust swarms, murder hornets ๐, and the realization that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games ๐ (however, people forgot to let us know). Some people started to protest lock-down measures with ๐ซ AR-15s. ๐โพ๏ธ Sports events were cancelled everywhere. Then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were ๐ฃ protests in every city ๐, which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in ๐ซ crowds of more than ๐๐ผ๐ค๐ผ10, and for sure closer than 6 foot away โฌ
๏ธโก๏ธ from each other. Those people must have forgotten about the ๐ pandemic called COVID Not-One-Through-18. Media ๐บ struggled with how to ๐คฌ focus on two important things at once, and people in general struggled to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale ๐ was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest ๐ณ after monkeys ๐ stole COVID 1-Through-19 from a lab ๐ฌ and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one can keep track of time now) a giant asteroid โ๏ธ narrowly missed the Earth ๐.
In โ๏ธ June, science and common sense just got thrown ๐คพ๐ผ straight out the window and somehow ๐ท wearing masks became a ๐ political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, but then decided that not wearing a mask was somehow a โ๏ธ God-given right (still haven't found that part in the Bible, or even in the Constitution). Then ๐จโ๐ฌ scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like ๐
๐ฝโโ๏ธ๐
๐ปโโ๏ธ๐ง DONโT YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that some people actually believed that Gone With The Wind ๐จ was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange ๐ฐ radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe ๐ that repeats itself every so many days, and everyone was like ๐ฝ DONโT YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH ITโผ๏ธ๐ซ But then America reopened ๐๐ผ from the shut-down that actually wasnโt even a shut-down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly .... not that great ๐๐ผ. All of the "Karen"s came out at once, and people started tearing down ๐จ statues. Everyone was on Facebook arguing ๐คผโโ๏ธ that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works ๐๐ผ, but then Florida ๐ was like "Hold my beer," ๐บ and "Let me show you how weโre number one ๐ฅ in all things, including new Not-Corona-Beer Coronavirus." Trump ๐ฑ๐ปโโ๏ธ decided it was a good time to ask the Supreme Court ๐ to shut down โ Obamacare because what better time to do so than in the middle of a pandemic ๐๐ปโโ๏ธ, but then we learned there was a massive dust cloud โ๏ธ coming straight at us ๐ from the Sahara Desert ๐ซ, which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the ๐ป ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then ๐ learned of meth-gators ๐, and I'm like, "That is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card ๐ก and can we use it as the free space??" ๐คท๐ป Then we learned that the Congo's worst ever Ebola ๐จ outbreak is over ๐, and we were all like, "There was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever?" ๐ ....... and donโt forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES! ๐ Seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!!